I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The answer is funnier than the question
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now