Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”