Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
2022 be like
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag