Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!