Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together