“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.