Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
yeet
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.