Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
You Might Also Like
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.