I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
You Might Also Like
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The Weeknd is back
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
my favorite genre of twitter
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?