we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’ve had worse
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.