*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
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If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”