Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Name another movie that mislead you?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY