My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.