My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.