I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…