oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere