Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.