“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*gets down on one knee*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad