So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.