Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot