Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You Might Also Like
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.