911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Gross if literal…Liverpool
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
New favorite tiktok
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”