Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Who.
Did.
This?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.