Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it