TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
fun fact: nike is short for nichael