Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
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Morningbreath
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Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“You’d better run, egg!”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.