Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.