Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I’m sure it’s fine.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”