So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Krampus.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.