You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
それは草
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
pls suprot
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings