C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.