STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
This squirrel eats better than I do
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about