It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*