Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I only eat vegetarians.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.