How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives