No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
our love story in four pictures
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this