her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
They did not think through this water fountain
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
yall want some gasoline milk
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated