Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you