Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Go hard or stay average
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*