“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on