Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.