30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally