not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.