God making man in his image was the original selfie
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
that wasn’t the question
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*