an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher