Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Swedish for common sense.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
SCARY COSTUME
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”