how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.