If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
she has a point
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.