Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously