Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If looks could kill
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!